venting

I'm not wanting any sympathy at all. I'm just having a hard time. I'm way too connected to food. On such a level that when I'm not eating food I'm thinking of it and how I can sneak something that I shouldn't. But who am I sneaking from? Nobody. Michael is very encouraging but doesn't make me feel bad when I slip. Probably because he knows that I would bite his face off if he did. What an emotional couple weeks it has been. I feel like I've been a monster. I'm to the point already that when I think of eating a shake or salad I want to throw up. So because of that sometimes I'd rather eat nothing than those "things." And honestly the unhealthy stuff that we have around the house is not that tempting. But because I know I shouldn't have it I want to and often give in. It is my drug. I am completely addicted worse than I ever have been. I hate how far I've gotten into this addiction and how it has ruined my health. If someone were to come up to me and ask if I would drop everything and be on the biggest loser, I would. I feel like because I can't keep my food under control everything else in my life is out of control. AHHHHHH!!!! Give me some motivation. Advice. Anything that helps you. (I will reread the helpful hints post) But you can't just tell me it's self control or will power. Because my problem is way beyond that. I have every reason to become healthy but for some reason my mind cannot wrap around those important things that I want to live for. I haven't given up but I need something to change. Food is destroying me, physically and mentally and I need help. There, you have my confession. What do I do?