Here I Am Again

So it's been A WHILE since I posted on here. But I've beaten myself up enough about not doing well over the last month or so, so I'm not going to do it anymore. Lets face it, I've had a major crash in my dieting. And if you want to know the truth for a little while I have felt really depressed. I blame most of it on my failed attempts at losing weight, again. But whatever it is, I haven't given up entirely. When I did feel depressed I didn't care what I ate. And I had a lot of other negative thoughts rolling in my mind all the time. But after searching and thinking for a while on what would be best for me and my family (when it came to my weight loss/seeking health journey) I decided on something. I really needed something that I could stick with for a while. I needed something that gave me a little room to mess up and not feel guilty over. I joined weight watchers. After doing this I felt a little hope and motivation. But the first week proved to be really hard and I felt that motivation left. What I like is that I have to "weigh in" every week. Well after week 1 I weighed in and didn't gain any and didn't lose any. This made me feel hope because I hadn't eaten the best and I worked out just a little. So I thought "hey if I put forth an effort on trying to eat healthy and make the same effort in working out, there is no reason I shouldn't lose weight." Something I know is super obvious but I needed this program to kind of get me going in that direction. Week 2 hasn't been perfect but I know I've done better than the last and my attitude is slowly changing. That's all that matters. Since the beginning of January I've made goals for myself and how to get there and it hasn't happened. I gave up for a bit. I felt I could change years of bad habits over night and get to my ideal weight by summer. For me, that wasn't realistic. Understanding that I can't change over night and that it's a process has felt really good. Almost freeing. I don't feel as much pressure and this new program I'm on and the goals I have made feel more attainable. It's helped me to not be so hard on myself. Something I really really struggle with. I'm kind of done being hard on myself. I'm done feeling inferior to those around me. I'm done not enjoying my life and my time with my family cause I'm so caught up in the fact that I've "failed" so many times at my goals. I'm also done with feeling like crap so I'm starting over in my health seeking journey and I will reach my goals. I know it will take some time. I know it will be hard and there will be ups and downs. But over the last few months I've kind of reached a low that I'm embarrassed to admit to. I feel like I can't get lower, I can only go up from here and I'm feeling positive and more confident in myself. Hopefully this isn't too much info for everyone. But I figure you are my family and I know you care and I know you guys have your ups and downs as well. Hope everyone has a great week!