I'm still discouraged that I can't seem to "stay on track." However I've come to a realization. Even though I haven't gotten the results that I've wanted or have gotten in the past I feel I'm more successful this time around. And this is because of two things 1) I realize when I mess up and actually have a desire to do better and 2) I haven't quit all together. I did really pretty well this past week except on Saturday. But even then I didn't "blow" it, well not as much as I have in the past. I also have realized a few other things. I had a baby 12 weeks ago. That's really not that long ago, so I have to give myself a break. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, and if I focus on the negative things I don't have time to enjoy the good. I probably won't accomplish my percentage goal by the end of the year, but that's okay. I have to work out and eat healthy at the same time. If I try to eat well I can't stay on track as much if I haven't worked out. I have to make working out a priority as well. I've been trying this Special K program lately. And it's been going pretty well. I know it's just a matter of counting calories and portion size but it's what I need right now. I need that "this is what you have to eat" kind of thing. It works for me. And I enjoy the food. Now I just need to cut out the bad stuff and I'll be doing good. I'm starting to make little goals for myself each week. Such as "I will not eat after 7pm" or "turn negative thoughts in to positive ones." I have to be successful at these little things. I'm sick of being hard of myself. I know that I've been hard on myself my entire life so I can't change over night. But I hate not enjoying my days because I'm worried if I'm staying on track with my diet. I'm just starting to feel that these habits are controllable and for the first time in like 6 weeks I'm feeling optimistic about my health. I've decided to make a goal or two each week that I am really going to work on and I'm going to share it here. Goal 1: turn negative thoughts into positive ones. Goal 2: Work out purposefully 3-4 times this week.

So we made it to month #2 and we're still here. Two of us anyway. :) Just kidding Aly. I've invited Dad, so we'll see what he has to say.
So I've had to sit down and look at what I'm doing and go over it again. I was doing really well calorie counting and between work and taking care of the family, I feel like it is the easiest thing for me right now. I just need to get back on it again. It is so much easier said than done. Even though I know it was only a few weeks ago I was doing it and I felt so much better doing it. On some things I'm being more specific. I'm still using that website from before to calculate my calories. Then I have two options for breakfast and two options for lunch each day. It might sound boring to eat the same thing most days, but it really isn't that bad. I just picked something easy that I like, usually a sandwich. It is nice because I already have figured out how many calories are in it and I can just plug it in to my spreadsheet. On some days that I really am craving something less healthy, I have a cheese quesadilla on corn tortillas, because even though it's more fattening, it ends up being about the same as my usual sandwich, then I am only allowed to have a piece of fruit or a vegetable to go with it. Then for dinner Tanner and I have regular meals, but we cut down on portion sizes. This has been hard for us. But I'm starting to simply make a little less, so it isn't tempting to just finish it.
Other things I've had to just go with it. If we do cheat or blow it at dinner with some friends, we just keep going and remind each other that we're trying to eat healthy overall, not just kill ourselves. I'm not looking at numbers this week because after last week, the few pounds I have lost are almost all back. But I'm not going to stress myself out over it. I can't be thinking about food all the time and worrying, or when I do blow it, I get so down on myself about it. I have to just say that it's okay and keep going. My goal this week is to stay on track and not have more than one big cheat meal. I'll let you know next week how it goes!

frustration

Well I don't know if I'm still going strong. This has been the HARDEST thing for me. I can't seem to stay on track at all. I do well for like 3 days and then I blow it. But not just for a day, it's for like 3 days. I can't stick with any one program. I start out all motivated and start strong and then it just blows up in my face. I feel like right now I can't control anything in my life. Except my attitude I guess. In the morning I think, "I'm going to make a shake for breakfast." Then life happens: Noelle screams at me because she's hungry, Michael starts crying and is also hungry. By the time everyone is fed, changed and satisfied it's like 10am and I'm hungry. So I go for something that is fast and easy. But I don't seem to go for the really healthy option. An egg sandwich. A bowl of cereal. Sure a bowl of cereal can be good, but not when I like triple the serving. What is my problem? Food has really got a hold on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I could do any program if I really put my mind to it, but am I really as committed as I should be? I think deep down I am waiting for it to eventually become easy and it'll just be like second nature to eat healthy. Maybe I should pray for the thyroid disease that makes me lose weight (I really don't mean that cause I know people who've had it that have been really sick, but I kinda mean it). I can't seem to get over the fact that I've let myself get this unhealthy. I can't seem to move forward. I kind of just want to scream. Sorry guys to be such a downer. I just feel so frustrated and am very close to just quitting and becoming a professional peanut butter taster.

p.s.-You guys are my inspiration. Keep up the great work!

Sorry for missing last week. To backtrack, last week went pretty well. I didn't eat the healthiest food, which I need to improve on, but I was able to keep my calories at or below my goal most days. It is really hard for me to feel full on smaller amounts of food, but I am finding it easier some days, if I give in a eat something that I want, then just count that as my meal, then my calories still stay low and I feel less deprived.
This week though, is going to have to be written off. Grandma and Grandpa Fullmer were here and it was bad. That is all I'm going to say. We both went to bed every night feeling sick. It did make us realize though that we have felt so much better these last few weeks keeping better track of what we are eating, even though we aren't perfect. We feel really motivated to get back on the wagon, not in a blow it and diet again way, but literally looking forward to eating normally again. We were saying we really feel like we can do this, we know we can. This is the first time I have really felt sure that I can meet my goals. Not to say I won't run into doubts and problems along the way, but it great when you have those moments, and I'm going to hold onto that.
Linz, I loved your letter! Hope your week is going well, and Aly, hope you are doing well too. Dad may be joining us, and if you are reading this, we're glad you are! Week 4 and we're still going, yeah!

My Dearest Food,

I'm at a loss of what to say to you today. You've been one of my best friends for so long. You've comforted me when I've been so sad and stressed. You've helped me to not feel so alone. You've made all the fun and special occasions in my life that much more wonderful. But I think we've come to a crossroads. As much as I love you, our relationship needs to change. You can be so good for me at times. And I absolutely need you to survive. That's why it makes it so hard to say this. I need a break. A break from the parts of you that aren't good for me. A break from the sweetest parts of you, that are usually my favorite. A break from all the stuff that is so not good for my physical and mental health. I need something to change or else this body of mine is just not going to last as long as I would like it to. Although I'm not giving you up. And on those special occasions I know you will be right there. I'm just going to try to get to know the parts of you that are good for me.

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to you. You're like a drug for me. And that's not good. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I want our relationship to change forever. I know that I will fall sometimes and give in to your tempting ways but I cannot stay in that place or else my physical and mental health will be in jeopardy again. Please do not think I am intentionally using you. I'm just trying to get the good parts from you and not the bad. I love all your sides. I just need some of them in moderation. I have to break this bad habit that is you.

I am doing this not only for me but for my family as well. I want to be able to run around with my kids for a long time and if I continue on the path that I am now I won't be able to do that. As much as I love you, I love my family and my health more. I need you to stay healthy and to have energy. So thank you for that. Thank you for all the fun times we've had. Thank you for comforting me when nothing else would. Thank you for being my constant friend. But now it's time to say goodbye to our old relationship. I'm looking forward to our new one and know there will be some bumps along the way. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Please don't be sad. I'll miss you a lot.

Love always, your devoted friend,
Lindsey